Thursday, May 10, 2012

Can I Have Some Cheese? I'm About To Whine.

I don't know what it is today, but I just feel so insignificant and unimportant. It seems that I don't matter and I don't count and nobody gives a damn.

I know part of it is that I've been waiting for the birthday card from my dad and it hasn't arrived yet. My birthday was March 25th. He sent it - to the wrong address - in early April and got it back but hasn't re-sent it yet. It's not even the check that he usually sends that I'm missing emotionally ... it's the CARD not being here that has me down. I don't CARE about the freakin money! Now, I know that he's busy taking care of my step-mom and he's maybe getting forgetful these days, but it just seems like I'm about dead last on his priority list these days. I know intellectually that he loves me, and I've heard enough stories about him telling stories about my growing up from my step-mom; but there's a long history that just hits my gut and emotions even if it's not entirely rational. See, shortly after my brother was born our mom (who was only HIS mom back then) had a mental breakdown when Butch "preferred" my dad to Mom. Mom tried to commit suicide over it. So, when Mom was pregnant with me, Dad was told to "let" me prefer Mom to him and be more hands-off. But Dad was a military man and nobody told him when to STOP. Then our little sister was born and since he didn't have the prohibition against being hands-on with my sister, I got to watch Daddy play with Butch and our sister, hold them and "love" them and I got a big fat NOTHING. Until I was 13 and he actually tried to hug me for the first time. But by then I had heard about parents who maybe got "too close" to their kids and did bad things to them so I was scared and pushed him away ... I mean, that wasn't MY Dad ... that was my brother and sister's Dad - even though we share 100% of the exact same parentage genetically. Then when I was 16 I was told in no uncertain terms that I was a failure and would ALWAYS be a failure, this probably was a result of me not going to school and my dad being frustrated at my lack of ambition. I don't think he really MEANT it - now. But it still made an impression on me that I wasn't "good enough" and I would NEVER be "good enough" to him. So ... my knee-jerk reaction at times like this (or when I or my son do something "wrong" around my dad and step-mom) is to feel once again like I'm either that 8 or 9 year old who is watching Dad play and laugh with my siblings and ignoring me or to feel like that 16 year old young woman who will never be "good enough".

Let's add to that with the fact that for my birthday this year, I didn't receive a card from my hubby or son. I got to go out to eat and pick out a few plants at Home Depot. For Mother's Day I'll also be taken out to eat and I doubt I'll get a card. I know money is tight right now ... but this just feels like "She's a horrible wife and mommy, she doesn't DESERVE a card or a small gift".

In addition to that, I don't want RP to go to church this weekend with Grandma (he's been every Sunday this past month or so except for the ONE time Grandma didn't go to her own church) and I know that if I voice this, it'll be an argument or at least a huffy attitude from my husband. I get the feeling more and more that he doesn't LIKE the fact that his wife isn't even nominally a Christian. Like I'm weird and loopy and my spirituality and wishes should be downplayed for a more "traditional" spirituality and religion. Like Grandma is somehow more "right" than me and has more of a "right" to guide our child in that area. And that hurts. Just the thought of it hurts. I don't mind him going once in a while, even though Grandma attends a church that is one step off from Southern Baptist and they regard me as "DOOMED TO HELL". Oh, and my entire side of my immediate family as well since my step-mom is Wiccan and my Dad actually follows close to my own thoughts (or maybe I follow his) in terms of spirituality, my niece is fairly close to what I think, my sister-in-law (and brother when he was alive) are/were also similar to what I believe and my sister is agnostic. I'm not crazy, I'm not dangerous, I'm neither immoral or amoral, I just don't believe that there IS "one true path" and I also believe that ANY religion or spirituality that emphasizes hate over love for a person based on that person's religion or spirituality  is HARMFUL. Now, don't get me wrong, Christianity itself does NOT actually teach hate - it's what people have DONE with it that has changed some branches to stress hate of the outsider, including WITHIN Christianity. Is it that awful that I want my son to learn tolerance? That I want to teach him to respect people who are different and believe differently from him? That I want to stress LOVE over HATE? Is it REALLY that horrible of me? Is it horrible that I don't want him to be told to HATE half of his family because they don't adhere to Christianity?

I'm just feeling low. Like I said in the beginning. I don't seem to matter. I'm insignificant.

1 comment:

  1. Not that anybody READS this fargin blog anyway.