Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Fish Tales

Well, yesterday we did it ... we drove for over an hour to deliver baby fancy guppies to a pet store in Winchester. I bagged up over TWENTY baby guppies in various stages of growth into two gallon-sized bags and we hit the road. Unfortunately, while I was bagging the guppies we had a crisis -

"Mommy you can't give away ALL the baby fish!! You CAN'T!! You have to leave some here!!" This was said in the midst of many tears and a red face.

*sigh* I couldn't catch ALL the babies so I told him that we still had some in the aquarium but that wasn't good enough. He insisted I put some back, so I stuck my hand in among the TAME baby fish and manually scooped one out and put it back. Then he declared it wasn't enough - I had to scoop ANOTHER one out of the bags and put it back as well. So instead of only having about four baby fish left in the aquarium, we wound up with about six. That was IN THE TANK. I changed the filter this morning and checked the filter housing and found at least EIGHT newly spawned LIVE fry in the filter. F*ck me! I couldn't stick the net into the housing because it's too big and I didn't want to put the water from the housing back into the aquarium with all the yuck as well (and I REALLY did not want to have over a dozen babies still in the aquarium) so I just went ahead and quickly and quietly poured them down the sink with the rest of the icky water before putting in a fresh filter bag and reassembling the filter. So I am a fish murderer. Just don't tell my son, please.

Luckily (heavy sarcasm there) we have four females and two males to make MORE FRY for the little guy. I do plan on letting a batch get large enough for me to "sex" them and keeping a male from one of these spawnings of my females and males - I want a nice pretty one from the mix of colors I have in the tank. I still really want a blue male, but that's not realistic since we're already almost at capacity for fishies in our aquarium. Also, every single freaking blue fancy guppy I've bought has DIED on me so I'm feeling like maybe I'm just not meant to have blue fancy guppies - at least not at this time.

But for the time being, we have a much less crowded aquarium. I know I have MORE fry on the way ... but we have a little bit of a breather before they arrive. The yellow female just spawned so she won't spawn again for a few months and I'm not sure when the greens will spawn next. At least I don't have to head to Winchester again for a bit. I'm also trying to expand my "net" and find other pet stores who are willing to accept baby fancy guppies so that I don't "flood" one store with fish.




Monday, May 21, 2012

One Month and Ten Days

We have a month and 10 days before we head off to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for our week at the beach. YAAAY! RP is getting anxious to go and Patrick and I can't wait to get there, either. We always have fun during our week on the sand, and I'm planning on getting another tattoo for my left shoulder. I just can't wait to hit the waves and just relax and have fun!


Now it's time to make sure we have clothes that fit so we can pack up before we go. I've been buying shorts for myself on eBay as well as a few dresses (one I may alter to make shorter) and last night I ordered some new shirts and pajamas for the little guy. I'm "giving in" and not worrying about my weight right now, so I need to make sure I have stuff that fits my currently larger body. RP keeps insisting on growing taller (though not much wider) so he needs new shirts that he can wear both in the water and out. I did buy him 2 rashguards for the beach and pool which will help - especially after he gets his annual sunburn.


I also have gone ahead and paid for a "Sunny Day Guide" to be sent to us. This is the little magazine that has ads and coupons in it for OBX stuff. We can use the copy we'll get in the mail to maybe plan out a special excursion while we're at the beach. We can also plan out maybe some places to go and eat a meal at a "fine dining establishment" to save me from cooking all of our meals while we're there. While we will be on a budget, we can still have a bit of fun and eat a meal or two away from the place we're renting for the week.

I am already planning what we need to pack and when I need to start packing it. I'm not sure where the pre-packing bug comes from ... whether it's a residual effect of being raised as an Air Force Brat, a residual effect of being raised a Jones, a survival thing due to the Fibro or just my own little quirk. I'm afraid that if I don't pre-pack that I'll forget something important. I can't remember very well how early we packed when I was growing up and we were heading to the Lake (Middle Cullen Lake in Minnesota - halfway between the towns of Nisswa and Pequot Lakes) for our week or two of "leave" time. I somehow get the feeling that this pre-packing insanity comes from a combination of being a military dependent and being a Jones with added intensity of knowing the Fibro fog can strike at any time. I do have a hazy memory or two of packing up the station wagon a couple of hours before we have to leave in the middle of the night, climbing into the vehicle and heading out before we kids fell back asleep for a few hours. I also know that my inability to fall asleep in the front passenger seat is a habit picked up when I was a teenager and we went on family trips. The front seat passenger is the "co-pilot" who is responsible for keeping the driver awake, getting tolls ready, opening drinks for the driver and anything else to assist the driver during a long trip. Therefore, the front seat passenger is not allowed to sleep. Even more than 20 years after I left my parents' house, I can't shake that training.


Friday, May 11, 2012

What a Difference A Day (and the Mail) Makes!

Yesterday I was feeling very low. I already knew that my Mother's Day gift from Patrick and RP would be going out to eat. Not a card, not a bottle of wine, not a really nice diamond for me to set into a piece of jewelry for myself ... just dinner.

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate being told to pick someplace to go eat where *I* didn't have to cook. But I also knew that depending on which place to eat I chose, my husband was inevitably going to ask if we should bring Grandma. *sigh* I love my Mother In Law, I really do. She is very involved in RP's life and takes him to Story Time at the Library as well as Sunday School (a bit too often for this non-Christian Mommy) plus sometimes even just to go to the park to play on the playground. Having that small amount of time to myself is PRICELESS. But with "sharing" so many holidays with her (Christmas Eve is ALWAYS at Grandma's house) I get a little tired of not having a special day all to myself.

Then I read something on one of my favorite blogs Rants From Mommyland about a project they had. Back during the Holiday season last year they started hooking up Mommies who needed some help (Hookees) and some encouragement with Mommies who wanted to help (Hookers). It was such a big hit that they decided to do it again. This time it was for Mother's Day and they were calling it the Mother Pucker Project. To boil down the idea ... Mommies who needed some encouragement and support and just a little Mommy Love would get gifts and all the Mommy Love that another Mommy could send. Now, I had not yet started following these AWESOME Mommies back in November and December, so I couldn't help out back then. But I decided I COULD help out this time, at least a little bit. The problem was that I felt also that I needed a bit of Mommy Love myself. See, my mommy died 10 years ago this Mother's Day. I didn't tell the wonderful Mommies behind Rants From Mommyland (who actually live only about 1 1/2 hours away from me) that little bit of information. For some reason it just didn't come up in my email. But the closer I got to Mother's Day the more the realization that Mom had been gone for 10 years just hit me in the face. This comes a week and a day after the anniversary of my older brother, Butch, being gone for 13 years. Needless to say, I have been in lower and lower spirits as the week has gone on. I miss them both so much! Go ahead and do the math ... RP is 5 years old and my brother and mom have been gone for 13 and 10 years respectively.

So, earlier this week I got my first Mother Pucker gift - the card from Erin who wanted to be pen pals. This was sweet, and I'm still not sure that I am really up to the task of writing to a pen pal; but I'm willing to try. I wrote her a 3 page letter which I printed out (since my handwriting is HORRIBLE if I write for too long) and some pictures of the insane asylum inmates I live with. But I was honestly still feeling lower and lower. Then today ... the PACKAGE arrived from a different Mother Pucker named Melissa. It has a bunch of stuff and was actually already FEATURED on Rants From Mommyland (so I'm going to steal their picture becuase my house is a mess).

Mother Pucker Survival Kit
Included in the kit is an explanation:

Mother Pucker Survival Kit


Advil- For all of life’s “headaches”, whatever or whoever they may be


Baby Wipes- Because they are ah-freaking-mazing. Hello, I mean, what else can you use to take off your make up AND clean the toilet?


Ear Plugs- Because sometimes Calgon can’t take you away and you NEED a few minutes of peace, or because if you have to listen to DJ Lance on Yo Gabba Gabba one more time you might have to open up a fresh can


Dark Chocolate- Because Mommy needs her antioxidants!


Lip Gloss- To remind you of your inner sexy…bonus, the watermelon scent should mask the fact that it’s 4pm and you haven’t had a chance to brush your teeth


Individual T-Box- Because, obviously!!

I honestly feel that the Mother Pucker gift *I* sent out pales in comparison to this gift to me. I sent my Mother Pucker 3 tubes of beeswax lip balm in Chai Tea, Creme Brulee and Caramel flavors, a Thank You card and a natural Star Sapphire Pendant with a yellow diamond accent that I had made on a 22" chain.





The note I wrote


I feel that I didn't do much since I had the setting, stones and chain on hand due to my shop Cat's Creations on Etsy ... but I felt strongly that this Mommy needed to know she was a star. It didn't take as much planning and thought as what Melissa sent to me (and hers was one of the packages I felt humbled by before I knew it was FOR ME).

To say that this gift from Melissa and the offer of a pen pal friendship has touched me would be an understatement. They were just what I NEEDED today, especially since I almost literally cried myself to sleep last night and woke up feeling slightly better (at least I wasn't in danger of crying again) but still blue and bereft. Thanks to my Mother Puckers and BIG thanks to Rants From Mommyland in setting this while project in motion. You all ROCK MY FACE OFF!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Can I Have Some Cheese? I'm About To Whine.

I don't know what it is today, but I just feel so insignificant and unimportant. It seems that I don't matter and I don't count and nobody gives a damn.

I know part of it is that I've been waiting for the birthday card from my dad and it hasn't arrived yet. My birthday was March 25th. He sent it - to the wrong address - in early April and got it back but hasn't re-sent it yet. It's not even the check that he usually sends that I'm missing emotionally ... it's the CARD not being here that has me down. I don't CARE about the freakin money! Now, I know that he's busy taking care of my step-mom and he's maybe getting forgetful these days, but it just seems like I'm about dead last on his priority list these days. I know intellectually that he loves me, and I've heard enough stories about him telling stories about my growing up from my step-mom; but there's a long history that just hits my gut and emotions even if it's not entirely rational. See, shortly after my brother was born our mom (who was only HIS mom back then) had a mental breakdown when Butch "preferred" my dad to Mom. Mom tried to commit suicide over it. So, when Mom was pregnant with me, Dad was told to "let" me prefer Mom to him and be more hands-off. But Dad was a military man and nobody told him when to STOP. Then our little sister was born and since he didn't have the prohibition against being hands-on with my sister, I got to watch Daddy play with Butch and our sister, hold them and "love" them and I got a big fat NOTHING. Until I was 13 and he actually tried to hug me for the first time. But by then I had heard about parents who maybe got "too close" to their kids and did bad things to them so I was scared and pushed him away ... I mean, that wasn't MY Dad ... that was my brother and sister's Dad - even though we share 100% of the exact same parentage genetically. Then when I was 16 I was told in no uncertain terms that I was a failure and would ALWAYS be a failure, this probably was a result of me not going to school and my dad being frustrated at my lack of ambition. I don't think he really MEANT it - now. But it still made an impression on me that I wasn't "good enough" and I would NEVER be "good enough" to him. So ... my knee-jerk reaction at times like this (or when I or my son do something "wrong" around my dad and step-mom) is to feel once again like I'm either that 8 or 9 year old who is watching Dad play and laugh with my siblings and ignoring me or to feel like that 16 year old young woman who will never be "good enough".

Let's add to that with the fact that for my birthday this year, I didn't receive a card from my hubby or son. I got to go out to eat and pick out a few plants at Home Depot. For Mother's Day I'll also be taken out to eat and I doubt I'll get a card. I know money is tight right now ... but this just feels like "She's a horrible wife and mommy, she doesn't DESERVE a card or a small gift".

In addition to that, I don't want RP to go to church this weekend with Grandma (he's been every Sunday this past month or so except for the ONE time Grandma didn't go to her own church) and I know that if I voice this, it'll be an argument or at least a huffy attitude from my husband. I get the feeling more and more that he doesn't LIKE the fact that his wife isn't even nominally a Christian. Like I'm weird and loopy and my spirituality and wishes should be downplayed for a more "traditional" spirituality and religion. Like Grandma is somehow more "right" than me and has more of a "right" to guide our child in that area. And that hurts. Just the thought of it hurts. I don't mind him going once in a while, even though Grandma attends a church that is one step off from Southern Baptist and they regard me as "DOOMED TO HELL". Oh, and my entire side of my immediate family as well since my step-mom is Wiccan and my Dad actually follows close to my own thoughts (or maybe I follow his) in terms of spirituality, my niece is fairly close to what I think, my sister-in-law (and brother when he was alive) are/were also similar to what I believe and my sister is agnostic. I'm not crazy, I'm not dangerous, I'm neither immoral or amoral, I just don't believe that there IS "one true path" and I also believe that ANY religion or spirituality that emphasizes hate over love for a person based on that person's religion or spirituality  is HARMFUL. Now, don't get me wrong, Christianity itself does NOT actually teach hate - it's what people have DONE with it that has changed some branches to stress hate of the outsider, including WITHIN Christianity. Is it that awful that I want my son to learn tolerance? That I want to teach him to respect people who are different and believe differently from him? That I want to stress LOVE over HATE? Is it REALLY that horrible of me? Is it horrible that I don't want him to be told to HATE half of his family because they don't adhere to Christianity?

I'm just feeling low. Like I said in the beginning. I don't seem to matter. I'm insignificant.