Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Tired and Dispirited

So, in gearing up to go to the beach, I have run into a snag. See, RP has picked up some type of tummy bug and up until last night was waking up at night to throw up. It was only happening at night or first thing in the morning and was accompanied by THE RUNS. This has put the worry that he'll continue to be sick during the vacation into both Patrick and me. Luckily, he slept through the night last night with no vomiting and he hasn't vomited this morning - though he did have "an accident". Maybe the tummy bug is moving out finally.

But the biggest thing going on with me is the result of financial issues. My student loans started needing to be paid and rather than bother Patrick with them I was making the payments by myself - on less than $900 a month I was paying over $500. I was also asked by Patrick to help out with groceries at least once a month which usually ran to $200. Plus I was taking care of other things like trying to clothe my ever-expanding body and clothing RP. So I ran up credit card debt and then was trying to make payments on that on the little I had left. It all came to a head a few months ago and we have been in the process of liquidating all the credit card debt. I have put my loans on forbearance and will be filing an application for loan forgiveness based on disability. So hopefully they will forgive a portion of it so that my student loan payments will go down. In the meantime, I have been using my money to help take some of the pressure off Patrick for the beach trip. Oh, and buying clothing to cover my ever-expanding body since I had a total of 2 or 3 pairs of shorts I could wear out in public that somewhat fit.

Last night as we were discussing RP and his illness, all of a sudden Patrick lit into me about the fact that my checking account is below $100 and asked where my money is going. Well, let me see ... I bought medications, shorts, paid some on my Visa card and on the VS card, got a water purifying dispenser for while we're at the beach, tried to get some clothing that would make me feel pretty for a change (it's too small right now because the measurements and US relative size wasn't communicated properly), paid for the dog's vet visit for her annual checkup ... gee, honey - I guess that the 2 pairs of sunglasses I bought for me (since all the previous I've bought have scratches all over them) and the one pair I bought for RP (all total less than $50) really DID break the bank.

To make matters worse, Patrick has a really bad habit of not apologizing when he's wrong or has taken a wrong tack in dealing with things. He just sweeps it under the rug as if I am not WORTHY of an apology. I just feel worthless this morning. It's not all his fault - I have baggage from previous relationships that help along the feelings of worthlessness. But his attacking me last night really has hurt me and I know that he's hoping that it will all just blow over and he won't have to take responsibility for his part in it. I really don't feel like talking to him today. If I did communicate my feelings to him he will just get angry and frustrated both at his own role in them, but more at the fact that I am hurt. Or at least it feels that way.

I am still recovering from almost single-handedly cleaning up the house for my Dad and step-mom to come visit on Father's Day. I have KEPT the house clean since then, which got a minor comment this past weekend and that's about it. I am also reeling from nights of interrupted sleep dealing with RP's illness AND trying to keep the house clean AND get everything except Patrick's clothing packed (I still have a LOT to do there). But that doesn't matter. What I do doesn't matter. My feelings don't matter. I don't matter.

To say I'm depressed today would be an understatement. I want to go back to bed (Aine woke me up at 5:30 to go outside and I wasn't able to get back to sleep and it's 9:50 now) but I have things to do today like picking up Patrick's blood pressure medication and he wanted to get the Highlander washed before we go to the beach. I have laundry in the washing machine, a damp down comforter in the dryer which needs to be hung over the shower curtain rod, dishes in the dishwasher to put away, more packing to do, the interior of the Highlander to clean, a kid to keep track of and feed ... *sigh* I'm just tired and depressed and don't want to deal with Patrick today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

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